All Categories - Beer City Recovery

night and day

4/10/2019

When I was actively drinking I hurt. Mentally and physically. I was always in some state of breakdown. Be it emotionally or my body failing me. I had severe plantar fasciitis, I couldn't walk up the stairs without losing my breath, and just generally felt like garbage. I hit snooze 5 times a morning, and when I finally woke up, I had to drag myself out and drink a whole pot of coffee to be somewhat functional. I would eat fast food at least 4 times a week, sometimes twice a day. When you are drunk and hungover, double cheeseburgers are your saving grace. I smoked up to two packs of cigarettes while I was in a binge.

I didn't have insurance, so I never went to the doctor. Until it got so unbearable that I was having severe liver and kidney pain and wound up in the ER. You know those questions they ask you in triage, do you smoke, how often, how much do you drink. I always lied. I only drank 1-2 times a week (HA) and just 2-3 drinks (HAHA). That doctor saw through all my bull shit and called me out. Bad. He told me very bluntly that if I didn't get my drinking under control, I would be dead.

I still didn't stop.

It would take me almost a whole year to actually quit, and that was because of a drastic intervention with a semi truck and the law.
I went from daily general aches and pain and almost dying to, healthy if you will. My meds for my rapid cycle bipolar actually work. I don't have these weird red patches I used to. My body doesn't hurt constantly.
On Sunday I will run my first half marathon. I will traverse 13.1 miles on my own two feet. At 7:40 in the morning. On a Sunday. I would have never even considered this while I was drinking, for a multitude of reasons. I could barely run a mile without dying, Sunday mornings were for being hung over, and a friggen half marathon, HA, NO.

A friend asked me "How do you even run that long?" My answer was "Harry Potter. And thinking about Beyonce super pregnant in a body suit and heels dancing. And people who can't walk. And sheer determination. " Here is the thing, I hate running. I however love and am blown away by the fact that my body and mind are capable of it. Because I know that from the ages of 19-30 that would never have been possible. I was rotting away from the inside. I was slowly killing myself.

It didn't all occur at once of course, I didn't wake up one day and run 10 miles. I ran a mile, then 2, then a 5k. And I hope Sunday allows me to cross a half marathon off my list.

Your life can change. If you work at it. It is a choice you have to make every day.

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3/28/2019

Today I got the news I have been waiting for for months. BCR has been granted nonprofit status. this means we can start applying for grants and funding to secure funds. This will allow us to start providing funds for members and their families. Some of the services we plan to offer:
- funds to attend rehab or detox
- a limited number of counseling/therapy sessions
- bus passes for those we don't drive
- recovery coaching sessions
And many others.

If you or anyone you know want to help our cause via monetary donations, volunteer work, or supplies pleas reach out. Anything and everything helps.

Today we also started working with a local restaurant to plan a Mocktail Dinner. A delightful dinner with a mocktail paired with every course. We want to start a culture that allows people to go out, enjoy a dinner, and drinks that aren't soda, soda water, or water.
Stay tuned for more information!

goals

3/18/2019

When I was 16, I made wild goals for my future.
- Graduated from college by 25, career by 26, own a house by 30, get the hell out of Michigan, have 50,000$ in savings, be a published author-
Oddly I didn't have a clue as to what I wanted that career to be or where I wanted to go other than Michigan. In fact by the time I was 20 I had dropped out of college. Twice. I was working on a pretty severe alcohol dependency, had stopped writing, and was bouncing from serving job to serving job. I had no direction in life and had abandoned all those goals. Gone were the childhood dreams of being a marine biologist and lawyer. I just wanted to drink and be young. I was young, and I deserved to have fun. I was the living embodiment of that snoop dogg/wiz kalifa song.
"So what we get drunk
So what we smoke weed
We’re just having fun
We don’t care who sees
So what we go out
That’s how it's supposed to be
Living young and wild and free"
No one makes goals to become an addict, ruin their life with a DUI, and become a single a single mom. Not at 16. Not at 21. Not ever. But that is where I found myself. Not all at once of course. But eventually, I had drank the fun out of drinking, racked up two DUIs, and imploded the relationship with J's father.
A few days in jail, sobriety court, and 2 years of sobriety later I am turning my life around. I am not where I want to be but I am working on it. Early in sobriety I struggled, feeling like I wasted 30 years of my life. I should be done with college by now and have a career, not just starting. I am working on trying to stay positive.
It won't happen overnight, but even if it takes me till 40 to meet all my goals I still have 3o whole years to thrive and be happy in a career I worked my ass of for.
Now I have new goals.
-35-
<>BA is Social Work <> CPRM Certificate <> BCR more established <> Happy
-40-
<> Own a house <> Job in the recovery field <> Happy

That's it. I don't want a million dollars in the bank or a fancy car. I just want to be happy.

feeling don't last forever

3/15/2019

If you read my post "emotional rock bottom" you will know I was not in a good/safe/sane place for a few weeks.
I am doing... better. Not great but better. And sometimes that's all we can hope for. It's hard to remember feelings won't last forever when you can't imagine ever being happy again. The best you can do is just keep moving and trying to get better.

Today I complete all the paperwork, drug test, and physicals I need to be cleared for my volunteer work at PR. I am so excited about this opportunity. I also have a meeting with a recovery POWERHOUSE next week to discuss some options for working together. I feel like things are looking up again. For right now I will keep trying to stay positive and be grateful for the things I have in my life right now.
- The RAPID (yay free bus rides)
- JC, BR, RC, KS, RR, and AW for supporting me and loving me through all my bull shit.
- Security blankets (yes I still have one at 32)
- Science and modern medicine

I hope you are all doing your best to make it out of this hell of a winter we have been stuck in. Spring is near and the sun will shine soon.
love you/be safe
Nanc
(I'll leave you a poem I wrote about my weeks of emotional rock bottom.)

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3/10/2019

I wrote this early in my recovery when I was still plagued by suffocating guilt I never thought I would be able to survive. I was ashamed of years worth of choices and actions and didn't know how I was going to overcome it. So I wrote. None of it was particularly good, but it helped.
What helped you early in your recovery? Writing? Boxing? Sleeping?

DRINK
DRANK
DRUNK

one sip and your inhibitions lower just like your jeans.
one sip and the whispers of doubt turn in to the song of slithering sloppy mating.
the person you said “hi” to in passing becomes all you can think about.
you want them.
no, you NEED them.
their skin pressed against yours.
their tongue leaving sticky hot trails of drunken desire.
at the moment this is what you desire most in life.

DRUNK
DRANK
DRINK

slivers of sunlight set off the pounding of drums in your head.
head spinning, stomach churning, you wonder where you are.
silently you gather your belonging, slipping out into the quiet daybreak.
not until you get home is it you realize you have left your dignity.

emotional rock bottom

3/10/2019

The last couple of weeks have been rough. Like real rough. I have been having some problems in my job, none of which I can or want to go into, thoughts of relapse, and a general feeling drowning and in completely over my head. This winter has been wreaking havoc on my mental health. I am sick of being cold, I don't want to run in the cold, I don't want to spend 45 minutes getting to the gym to run on a treadmill that I hate. So I sleep for days, eat everything I can get my hands on, and get further into my depression. I have been rapid cycling in my bi-polar. A couple days feeling like I am failing and can't get out of bed followed by a week of feeling like I can take on the world, nothing can touch me, and I can't fail at anything I try.

R asked me "why do you think you're at emotional rock bottom??? You're worse than you were when you were using?" and the answer was yes. When I was using, I didn't give a fuck. I would get stressed about not being able to pay my bills, how shitty of a parent I was, or the fact that my life was rapidly falling apart, but I would drink about it and not care. I flunked out of college, but I made the excuse, no one can work full time, go to school, and raise a kid, it's not possible. In reality, I chose to drink over going to school. When I was in the pit of my addiction, I would never attempt to start anything like Beer City Recovery so I would have never had this stress. So I really do feel like, yes this is my emotional rock bottom.
I have been taking my meds and practicing self-care as much as I can. Even if it is just brushing my teeth or changing out of my pajamas. It is a strange feeling when one part of your brain is telling you your thoughts are completely irrational and not real at all, but you just can NOT stop them from coming.

I have been looking for jobs in the recovery field and have come to a scary conclusion. I have to go back to school. A lot of the professions I want require the MCBAP certification I am working on getting AND a bachelors in social work. I just won't be able to advance in this field without it, I applied to a GVSU and FAFSA to get financial aid. The issue is, I hate school, or I think I do. The only two times I have given it the old' college try I was wasted, hungover, and didn't know how to study in those states. Hopefully, this time around I can have the clarity and desire to do this instead of bumbling around, dropping classes, or just straight flunking out.

I am leaning hard on my support system and letting them support me. My friend A has sent me two books that I am blowing through, my friend R has been giving me the tough love, B has been super supportive and giving me all the affirmation I need, and J has been snuggly, sweet, and understanding. I am beyond thankful for them and all my other friends. I want people to know that recovery is hard. 1, 2, 5 years down the road, you will still struggle. Life is a struggle. You have to focus and hold on for dear life to the genuine and positive things in your life. Let them be the life raft when you feel like you just can't make it sober another day. Let your support system love you. Let them do the things they want to show you they love you. Stop saying "I'm fine" when you all know your not. I'm just surviving is an acceptable answer when someone asks you how you are doing.

love you/stay safe
you dudes rock

DISAPPOINTMENT and frustration

3/5/2019

I was very optimistic about sending in the packet to schedule a hearing for my license last week. I got the call yesterday that my drug test sample was diluted 😭😩 I go back in and spend another 50$ to get another drug test. This process is getting me down. I am trying to keep my head up and stay positive but man, UGH 😒
I also still haven't heard back from the agency I had an interview with. I was very hopeful about it, and I thought the conversation went well. I am beating myself up because I am sure the fact that I don't have my license yet. Staying positive though because even if I don't get the job, it pushed me to start the process to get my license. I also have the opportunity to work with patients in inpatient rehab.
The nonprofit application for BCR is still being processed. It would take up to 90 days and I am just waiting out the process. I am continuing to update the website and facebook but I will be taking a break and focusing on studying for my CPMR tests and working on my experience hours. March is the month of self-care and taking time for myself to read, binge watch Umbrella Academy and naps are my top priorities.

This doesn't fit into what this blog was supposed to be about and becasue of that I am so happy!
I just accepted a volunteer position at Redwood, an Inpatient Treatment Center for Dual Diagnosis. The hours will count towards my CPMR experience hours and it could very well lead to a paid position. Man what a rollercoaster of week and it's only Tuesday!

big FRIGGIN changes.

2/21/2019

I am sending in the paperwork to (hopefully) get my license back next Friday. I have been hounding my friends for letters to send with my packet and what they have wrote has made me cry and my heart swell. My son even is writing me a letter 😭I'm not sure if it's allowed but I wrote my own damn letter. Writing and reading this has made me realize just how darn crazy myjourney has been.

I got my first job in a restaurant fresh out of high school. Looking back I can say with complete certainty that is when my drinking problems started. While not full-blown alcoholism it was an issue that caused numerous problems in my life. We would regularly drink during the week, and I would often black out. Binge drinking was considered normal.
After having my son in 2008 and moving to Chicago in 2009, my drinking seemed to be under control. I was able to hold a great job, and life was finally manageable. Upon moving back to Michigan in 2013, my drinking picked up right where it had left off. I was regularly drinking and blacking out more nights than not. My OWI in 2013 wasn't the wake-up call I needed; neither was driving my son to school so hungover I could barely function or getting fired for more than one job. I was drinking 5-6 times a week and managing my hangovers with copious amounts of Adderall. I was slowly killing myself. That lifestyle landed me in the hospital with kidney and liver pain, and a doctor told me if I didn't get my drinking under control I would be dead in 5 years.
It wasn't until 2017 when I made a decision that would rock my world and change my whole life that I realized just how bad my drinking problem had gotten. I chose to get behind the wheel after closing the bar down and drive home. I got hit by a semi, fled the scene, and my son watched me get arrested. I realized my life had spun so far out of control and was completely unmanageable. I did not know who I had become and realized I had lost myself in a haze of alcohol and Adderall. I was an alcoholic.
Sobriety Court brought me to AA and I found myself at the North Club. When opening up about working in a bar and the unique situations in recovery that arose from that I was reprimanded and shunned, told the token “clean people, clean places” and that I didn't stand a chance at recovery unless I quit my job. Met with similar reactions in Life Ring and Smart Recovery I learned to go to meetings, get my slip signed, and never talk about my career choice. It was hard to open up and be honest about my recovery, and I felt I was missing a huge part of the healing process.
I started searching for a group of people in the food/beverage/service industry (FBSI) near me, but sadly none existed. There are less than 20 worldwide. For an industry consistently in the top two fields suffering from addiction, I found this insane. After reaching out to friends in the industry I knew were sober and those who mentioned they had similar issues with traditional recovery groups it became clear Grand Rapids needed a group like this. Beer City Recovery was born. A grassroots movement to help workers in the FBSI suffering from addiction by offering a safe judgment-free zone to talk about the issues they face working in an environment surrounded by their vices.
In 2017 we had our first meeting and continued weekly meetings held in whatever spaces we could get for free. Local bars and restaurants were so supportive donating back rooms, event spaces, and offices to our cause. I quickly realized this was my passion. I was helping people and in turn, supporting myself and my recovery. I continued with AA, but BCR was the driving force behind my recovery. Unfortunately, Sobriety Court would not recognize the meetings as a valid recovery group.
During my time in Sobriety Court, I trained for and obtained my recovery coach certification to further my career path in the recovery community. BCR meetings continued, and I graduated Sobriety Court on March 28, 2018, early and without a single violation. Sobriety Court was one of the hardest things I have ever completed but it changed my life.

I am not the same person I was 2+ years ago. I have changed mentally, physically, and spiritually. I lost 50lbs and gained some serious coping mechanisms, and with therapy and doctors have gotten my mental health under control. I went from having my name used a measurement of drunkness (“Nanc drunk”) to the person who people come to when they think they need help to get into recovery or help them navigate the court system. Most importantly I have become the present parent that my child deserves. On 2/12/19 I submitted paperwork to make BCR a nonprofit. We have big dreams of helping support members of the FBSI and their families through addiction and recovery and create a safe supportive environment for the community at large. In can in all honestly say that making that choice to drive and getting hit by a semi, while was an absolute idiotic choice, was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't think that without the rigidity of Sobriety Court and the not so gentle shove into recovery that I could have gotten to where I am today. I have no intentions of throwing away the magnificent life I have created in the last two years to drinking or drugs.

DISAPPOINTING.

2/18/2019

BCR was working with a local recovery powerhouse to have our meetings there, giving us some stability and significantly expanded our exposure. I found out today it did not work out. While I am pretty bummed and feel like I am back to square one, I know things will work out. There are other venues, other opportunities.
I am passionate about this group and our mission and will not be deterred by one NO. If I had let the first NO stop me, I would not be where I am now, and I know I can't allow this one slow me down.
BCR will continue pushing forward. With the new chairs who are helping out tremendously, we have some new ideas in mind. All scheduled meetings will go ahead as planned, and we will work on finding permanent housing. Keep a lookout; we have big plans on the horizon.

we have the cards!

2/15/2019

Guys, I am so excited. The recovery cards I designed came in the mail today! They look so good!
I am stoked to be able to offer you guys a way to say "hey thanks for helping me on my recovery journey" and/or "hey, you are doing a great job". Right now quantities and designs are limited, but look for more in the near future.

Let me know if you have any suggestions, comments, request
love you/be safe
Nanc